I'm sorry you found this.
Even when I told you about my feelings on that phone call I didn't tell you the whole truth of how deep they are.
They've only gotten stronger since then, despite the verisimilitude of my stable sanity.
I can't help myself, I've never felt anything this strongly before in my whole life.
My desire for you makes me scared of myself at times. I feel disgusted enough to want to hurt myself
(Don't worry I never have, I know that would make you feel bad if you found out...
and that it's rather stupid in the first place...).
Fantasizing about being in your arms fills me with a euphoria that I can barely describe.
I've stayed up for hours at night just thinking about cuddling you and kissing your neck,
and you gently stroking my hair. I dream about you sometimes too.
I know that truly loving someone means accepting that they might not reciprocate any feelings.
I know it's unlikely that you think of me as anything more than a friend.
You've told me that you don't really have a specific attraction to men, or like kissing boys.
A long time ago you said any kind of physical contact makes you really uncomfy,
(I believe you described it as a spiky feeling).
I would never touch you in a way that could make you uncomfortable without asking you first.
I respect your boundaries completely and I would thank you for expressing them so I don't accidentally hurt you.
I may be a yandere piece of shit but I'm not a slut or a creep.
I don't understand my own sexuality. I don't really find women's bodies "attractive"
except for their faces sometimes. I find certain men attractive, kinda I guess,
also more to their faces than their bodies, although I do get more aroused by gay stuff than straights or lesbians.
Any time I've had a crush on a girl before was because I felt some degree of "being seen" by them.
There's been 4 of them, Rylie when I was 14 (I was a total idiot getting abused at home and she gave me basic
human decency), Cambell (same story except I was 15/16)[[HOLY MOLY I JUST REMEMBERED HOW AWKWARD
THAT SUMMER CRUISE WAS OMG EWWW]], a former coworker with blue hair (I was somehow even more stupid and weird
than before... pretty sure I creeped her out), and finally most recently at 17 I had a crush on Luke's older sister
who I also worked with, I think I already told you about her. (blah blah irrelevant whatever)
My love/attraction/desire for you is moreso to who you are as a person (not to say you aren't kinda cute too). You make me feel COMPLETELY safe and comfortable,
and I believe you would understand how important that might be to me. I can trust you with anything, and share
anything I'm interested in with you, and I absolutely ADORE the way you're firm yet gentle when correcting me or giving me advice.
Nothing you ever do or say could make me hate you, I barely have the courage to type that I hope you feel the same to me. It feels so wrong to want something like this.
The concept of someone caring about me still makes me uncomfortable in the sense that it feels forbidden, like I'll get punished somehow for it.
I'm really bad at taking compliments and I always have to force myself to just say "thanks" instead of providing a reason why something is
"no big deal", or actually not that impressive, or someone else deserves the credit, because I've spent my whole life being pushed into being a
thankless perfectionist out of fear by my parents (mostly my dad).
This extended to social interaction. The safest thing to do was never speak and don't make eye contact. Thankfully I've grown out of that part
(very much thanks to you :3). Anyways what I mean to say is I have trouble making relationships because having a two-way relationship of any kind feels illegal.
I guess I'm sorta "friends" with Bear and Luke Stein, but I barely talk to them. Another thing is that the majority of people annoy the shit out of me because
of how bland and stupid they are. Those two are relatively tolerable.
I'm not sure what I'm trying to say with all this. I guess I just needed you to know how I feel about some stuff.
I would give anything to have you hold me and comfort me while I cry on your chest and tell you about everything going
wrong in my life. Please don't be disgusted by me. I love you will all my soul, my Darling Dark Angel.
